I never write when I am happy.
Joy freaks me out. It never last, it's not true, and I fucking have a problem with purity.
That's why I'm always running after something new, that's why I change so much all the time.
I was running after love, now I know.
I missed it.
I could write that I missed it every single way and I could say it in Russian and in Persian and cooking and playing it with my guitar but all I actually can feel right now is gratefulness and an unmeasured joy that I want to keep warm in my bed and scream all over the world in the same time.

And even though I don't love you and never going to say it when I will and you never going to read this, it makes me cry every day to know I am going to see your face again.


I feel like a teen right now.

I don't know if you're gonna like that.

I missed the truth

I had to think about you today.
When I feel things I need to create situations in my head and I thought about you calling me to say hi.

I know this is not going to happen, this is not the point actually.
I understand.
I missed you. I did because you made me feel for once in my little small capricious life something which was true, strong, simple, so simple.
I guess it was love.
And I guess I've been looking for it ever since.

I met so many boys and been throught so many love affair, and so many shit too. It was supposed, to, you know, make me bigger than I was, make life more intense or something like that. I felt in love several times, and I've been crying a lot because of it, I put myself in danger to at least.

And every time I was thinking about you and september in Reigate and all our sushi times, when I remember Sainsburys nights and that time we drunk Baileys on your kitchen floor with Tara, and us getting up to read your mum's letters with fruits on them I was like, well, there was definitely something different. Maybe I grew up and things just, I don't know, change. Maybe when you get older the way you feel is just...the same in less cool.

I always needed something more. I wanted everything to always be heady and glamourous, . But when we were just talking on that bridge near home for hours and hours everyday, it didn't look that heady did it? When we were going to Chinatown for dinner every fucking single day of the week, it wasn't that glamourous was it?

Those days were my favourite days ever.

Because...I was HAPPY.
I was happy to get up, I was happy to go to bed, I was happy to go to school, I was happy not to go. I can see me running out of class to meet you in teachers room. In fact I was always running, I couldn't wait to see you. And every day I was listenning to your CD when I was going to school. Where was Caroline from Outcast with that make up and crashing story that made you laugh, and Craig David / Eye of a Tiger, and Drinking in LA, that was your favourite song and I am sure it still yours.

You were the truth Anil, oh god you really were the truth.

You made me better than I was, and you made me want to live forever, for this life and the others. The time we spent together is the only one I one to go back.
I fucked up and I am sorry because you deserved better, and I still think about you you know.

I always forget everything. I would'nt be able to tell you what I did last friday. Well, actually, it's different now now, but for so many years...It was just as if I didn't want to remember. Just like, it was not me living my own life.

I loved you.
It's only because I loved you.
Truly.
You are the only one I have ever been in love with.
I fucked up and I am sorry because you deserved better, and I will never forget all you meant to me. I guess people in despair should meet you and be your first love and that would save mankind.


Today I figured that situation out because I wanted to tell you something.
You know that : we need to be badly sad to realize how warm joy can be and sometimes to leave people to realize how much you loved them; or to watch Super Size Me to cook vegetables home.


And I just had to feel a hit of real love again to admit I never loved anyone since you are gone.

And you know what yes it seems like things can change.
For the best, always.

Gloria

Le mois de mai qui se termine déchaîne en moi une joie insoupçonnée.
Il y a cette espèce de nostalgie un peu désinvolte, et ce sourire en coin comme une pichenette à l’hiver qui ne ne clignote même plus dans le ciel, qui s’éloigne avec un regard triste et alors l’été, altier, rieur, claironne et fait sonner les téléphones portables comme un appel à la vie éternelle sur les terrasses de la rue Vieille du Temple.